Who Is Voldemorts Dad? The Tales of Vernon Dursly!

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'''Who Is Voldemorts Dad? The Tales of Vernon Dursly and Some Magic!'''

''AN: I was having some troubles with writng my Deathnote fanfics so I wrot this instead. It is really good I hope if not why are you reading it lol !?!?!''

It was seven o clock only not really but uncle Verons watch was all broken. He looked at it and sed "f-cking watch it is broken again!!!"

He steped out of the car and found himself. In the middle of a car park.

"I'm glad you met me here when I sent you you those anoyomus letters" said a mysterious voice coming mysteriously from the buses around the park.

"It was no problem"

"that is good" said the man as he jumped out the bush.

"YOUR VOLDEMONT!" yelled Vernon jumping backwards and stepping on a cat which screamed quite loud and then ran away.

"I AM NOT JUST VOLDEMORT!!!! I AM YOUR………….. SON!"

"How can this be!" he shoted. "I have only have to kids and they are Dudly and Harry."

Then voldemort grabbed his long wand which was under his cloak in his pants. It was made of wood from the whomping willow tree which made it supper powerful.

He pulled his wand and pointed it at vernon and a long shooty of white magic strings flew out of the end and landed on some stuff.

"I can do magic and so can Harry. Did you think it was a reason?"

"I did not think of that" Vernon confetti as he wiped off the sticky magics that were on every thing.

"But you are the most powaful wizard of them all. Like even more powered than dumbeledore and that dude with the turban thing put together!"

Vernon looked in his feelings and found they were all true even the ones that just a few short days ago would have seemed crazy to a tall handsome mustachiated man like himself.

He toked out his wand and pointed it at Voldemort who was starring in amazement and shouted "die you pies of sh-t!" and "Avrakadavra" and a magical blast of stuff (AN what does it shot anyway? Noone knows cos its magic! ;-) ) came and hit Voldemort in the face he exploded in a pile of ash screeching "Ill get you yet Uncle Vernon!"

Vernon looked down in shock at his wand and the magic dripping from the end told a million stories like nothing ever could. He jumped over another car into his own car and slammed on the brakes and screamed out of the carpark laughing leik a manic.

MEAN WHILE IN HOG WARTS!

Dumbeldore looked at the letter he was writing on his magic typewriter. It said some stuff about really complicated magics and they were too hard for any muggle to understand even like Einstine or Obama or the dude with the wheelecahir.

Suddenly he looked up at his magicometer which was busy dancing over his desk like a man on fire except it was not on fire it was quite happy and singing to it self.

"THERE IS A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE!" he yelled jumping to his feet like he wasn't a beardy guy from the like middle ages or whatever.

He jumped in his car which was a 1961 Audi Catro in bright red with some pink bits too where magics had exploded. He had made it by magic so it had like a million horsepowers in the breaks and some rocket booster too.

He zoomed away real fast and shot by some cops but he was magic and there radar gun didn't work even though they were magic cops with a magic radar gun cos he was just that good at magic.

He overtaked the night bus and that tall dude with the spots yelled "watch out you f-cking psyko!" and beeped at him but Dumbledore had a honk if your horny sticker and he thought he was horny.

He got to Vernon fast and shouted!

"YOU WILL DIE" he said as he used his wand to conjoin up a double barrel bazooka machine pistol which was the most powerful gun ever except a nuclear bomb which he couldn't make because he didn't have any nuclears with him.

He shooted it at Vernon and he exploded because he cast a spell at his gun which blocked the barrel and it went the wrong way even tho he tried to stop it cos he failed!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted as he blew up and bits of berd splattered all over his car which became vernons now because he had left the keys behind and Vernon could steel them and use them to go driving wherever he wanted. Even the sea. Because it was magic.

"Now I will becum the new headmater of Hog Warts and there will be a few changes around here let me tell you……………………………………."

'''4 days and like 15 hours or something later'''

"Introducing your new head teachers, VERNON DURSLY!" shouted Snape into a microphone at the big dance.

Vernon jumped on stage and grabbed the microphone and also a guitar and his wand. He started moshing out to chasing cars (because he had been chasing cars early lol!) and soon everyone was joining in and it was really good and some peeps even started moshing on the stage and security had to come in and pull them off.,

Harry was delited that his dad had finally excepted him for what he was ~ a magical dude ~ and moshed harder than anyone even though his glasss fell off and smashed and someone jumped on them and then a bird came and stole them way.

Ginny walked over and started snogging (AN: Its British for macking or frenching!) him real hard like shed never snogged before which she hadn't because she was a vergin or at least almost one because this one time she touched ron but they were cousins so it dddnt really count.

Later they went up the make out point and did some sex in vernons old car.

10 years latter!

(AN: THIS HAPPENS INSTEAD OF THAT STUPID BIT AT THE END OF DEADLY HALOS)

Vernon was angry at harry for getting ginny all teen pregnant and stuff but then he looked at the cute baby in his hand and hes heart melted and came out his mouth in the form of a smile and also drool.

"This is a happy day for everyone in the Dudley family and the Wesley family and the Potter family he yelled at everyone at the party.

"CAN YOU SING FOR OLD TIMES SAKE!" yelped Arthur who was keeping it reel on the dancefloor.

So Vernon got on the stage and sung that song that had made the baby and everyone was happy except ron who was a bit jelous but also happy.

"If I ley here! Would you lie with mea nd just forget the wolrd" he sang

OUTSIDE THE GIG!

"We're back and joined forces and stronger than ever " said voldemort and Dumbledore at the same time

OH NO!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?

PROBABLY NOTHING COS THIS IS A ONEOFF LOL!

Chapter 2

"NOT SO FAST SIR VERNON OF DURSLY!" shouted Dumbledore as he jumped though the door with his double barrelled wand which was like to wands stuck together with magic tape.

Vernon put down his drink in and spat it out all over the people dancing in front of them in shock but he was metal that they diddnt care.

"Who are you you crazy bastard?" swallowed Vernon pointing his guitar which had a wand built into the long pointy bit. Every string on the guitar was a dragon hartstring which made the wand like super powered and he accidentally blew the cloths of Tonks because it was so strong.

"I AM YOUR FARTHER!"

Vernon slapped his knees crying and cryed "How can this be?"

Juts then Voldemort smashed through the window bit in the sealing of the gig with a parachute and shouted "don't forget me about me, your sun, VOLDERMORT RIDDLE!"

"NOOOO! How did you live my blast of Avrakadavra?"

"I used…………………. MAGIC!"

Vernon was to shocked for words and dumble dore took this opportunity and shot twice ~ once in each hart.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Tonks who was naked and extremly sexy.

"WHAT? BUT I KILLED YOU!" screamed dumbledore as Vernon came back too live but this time with a vengance like Die Hard.

"Then you did not kill me hard enough" and he blasted a rocket spell and Dumbledore who blasted off like team rocket never to be seen again except by aliens on the distant plant Rpatz.

"Good job dad!" said voldemort taking of his evil robs.

"I know everything has gone exactly as planed."

Under neat Voldemorts robes was a very sexy man with muscles like twices as big as a dumpster and eyes that lit up the room with gold.

"Oh your so sexy" said Tonks who still naked.

"You to" Voldemort trpleid.

Then they sexed for a long time on the floor and everyone cheered except when voldemort fell on a peace of glass that had fallen from the roof when he had parachuted in.

"ARCKKKKKK How could this be? I only wanted to use my sexy powers for good" he screamed as he died and blood came all over Tonks and the floor and she screamed.

Then he didn't die but jumped up and pulled out the glass and went back sexing ~ only tthis time twice as fast.

"Boy this is sexy" said Harry.

It wasn't long before everyone was sexing and the cops had to come and arrest eveyonr but Vernon put a sexing spell ojn them and then they satrted sexing too.

TOMORROW

"No I am headteacher" he bellowed "I will take no crap from noone"

Umbridge walked out crying and kissing a picture of a cat.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?

I DON'T KNOW! BUT I MIGHT WRITE IT ONE DAY

KEEP REVIEWING FOR MORE CHPTERS PLEASEEEEEE!